Patrick’s Rants

. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

. A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

. Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

. A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

. The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

. You support states’ rights, but Attorney General Alberto Gonzales can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.