Patrick’s Rants

Where my wife works management has decided that they want a single type face for all of their documents, Arial 12 pt. bold. She told me that she recently began bucking the “corporate line” and started mixing in Helvetica. I expect her to be called out it any moment now.

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a “Save the Whales” hat, and a “To Hell with Bush” T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear’s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he told them. “I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democrat Environmental activists but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies “Who was that guy?”

“It was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to California and get another one?”

The Page Cannot Be Found

I got this email that looked pretty funny. Someone had switched all of a co-worker’s office furniture with cardboard replicas. Deciding that it was cool enough to post here, I copied all of the images from my email, renamed them, and uploaded them to my site. I decided to see if someone else had done the same and found the origin. So, I don’t have the images here, but check out: PrankMike.com - Jokes, Pranks and the home of the Cardboard Office.

Last night the news had a story about a man who left his child unattended in his car for over two hours. He was arrested while at the Mustang Ranch brothel in Reno NV. On hearing that he had driven down from Bend, OR I checked to make sure that it wasn’t Jake. Jake is, of course, still banging away on his keyboard.
Oregon Man Leaves Baby in Nevada Brothel Parking Lot - Salem-News.Com

I wonder if this will warrant a new category… this email is for term life insurance.

Subject: Cold hand of Death approaching?

There’s a game that people play with fortunes from fortune cookies. Read the fortune and add the words, “in the bedroom”, to the end of your fortune. It makes them funnier. My wife’s last one was, “Face any problem with dignity.” Mine was, “You are talented in many ways.”

On our trip to our camping spot we drove down Lake Mary Rd. There were animals of all kinds on the side of the road, and one large bull crossed the road in front of the van forcing us to slow down to 15 mph in a 50 mph zone. The cows were mostly black angus. My youngest told us that she saw a fox and a squirrel playing together. When we told her that we weren’t sure that foxes and squirrels played together she told us that they were babies and still got along. That answers that question.

The one mystery remaining is why were the majority of the elk that we saw black? Normally elk have a black “mane” while the rest of their hides are a tan to brown color. We decided that their parents must have been into angus sex.

Crawford, Texas (APJune 19, 2007)

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President
George W. Bush.

The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of his books were kept. Both of the books have been lost.

A presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.